The country

After I signed for our house we went to the furniture store at Feltwell. We then went the back way to Thetford to another what we thought was a furniture store. The second one ended up being a catalog only furniture store. But we went down alot of back roads and saw alot of the farm land area around here. I find it funny because there is always a church and pub close to each other. After we drove around for a while longer then went to go get food at a local chinese resturaunt. I know that it is funny that there is a Chinese resturaunt in the UK. The food was really good too. Then we recieved the bill. Holy crap! I had a pint of beer, and order of sweet&sour chicken and fried rice. Ashley had Steamed rice, seseme chicken, and a soda. Tori had a sprite and chicken fried rice. All of that came to a grand total of 25 pounds. 50 dollars for 3 meals at a takeout chinese resturaunt. I dunno about anyone else but I think that is crazy. We then went to RAF Mildenhall to get Tori a helmet for her new tricycle. Ashley drove because the beer here is extra strong and she drove me crazy. She is relying on the GPS way to much. Thats not that bad but when she has to see it that is when things start to get annoying. Plus she when she asks me how to get somewhere she then just tells me no I can't go that way. But as usual we made it through.

Drivers training

Today I had my drivers training class. It almost seems like the instructors were trying to scare us out of driving here. Granted I know it is more dangerous to drive here than it is in the states. The roads here are unforgiving. They have shoulders where if your tire goes off the road you are going to hit a tree or end up in a ditch which are between 10-100 ft. deep. They don't really have that many road signs. In order for there to be a road sign there has to have been at least two fatal or near fatal accidents within a year. Plus the British are very aggressive drivers. They make some of the most aggressive drivers in the US look like pansies. But I got through that and after driving around a little with the driving instructor you start to realize what that were talking about when they told us about the aggressive drivers and there not being a shoulder on the side of the road. I have found something that I love about Europe and that is the roundabout. They are so easy and it seems like they are alot safer than a four way stop but i have only been here a short time. The hardest thing about driving here so far is the fact that I am on the other side of the car and your dimensions of the car are completely different when you are on what would be the passenger side of the car. Also knowing what the speed limit is. They do not adjust the speed limit by the dangers of the road but by the type of road you are on. So it is difficult to know what speed to go and whether or not a turn is coming up. That and they can give you a ticket for going only one over the max speed limit. Most of it is done by speed cameras so if you speed they take your picture then send you the bill.

Horrible Day

So my in processing was and absolute killer. It was briefing after briefing with information that need to know to transfer life in this country. Holy crap is it expensive. They charge for everything here. From downloads to local phone calls that can cost up to ~10 us dollars per minute. You even have to pay for a television license to watch tv or get a phone. That license cost about 200 us dollars. Then I did my travel voucher. Let me tell you what that is the funnest thing I have ever done before in my life. I was so stressed. I had all of my paperwork stacked neatly in one location then they started taking those papers from me and giving me others at the same time. But I got through it and now all I can hope for is that they give me all of the money that I paid out and maybe get the chance to pocket a little for them sending me to a god awful expensive place. After rushing through my travel voucher and making sure everything was correct I then had to run back to our room because we were suppose to see a house. I got back called the person that was going to give us a ride to the house, making sure that he could still do it. I then called the person who is currently in the house to make sure he would be there. Of course he couldn't because he had outprocessing to do all of the sudden. Who has outprocessing to do at 6pm. I then asked him if I can see it in the morning before I go to more briefings and he said he would be busy then too. It wouldn't really bother me too much if he had a good excuse and I didn't have to tell the housing office whether or not i wanted the house at 10 am tomorrow. So if I can't get housing to push the day back again I have to accept a house that I haven't been in and don't know if all of my stuff will fit in it. On top of all the other stuff that is going on I have to take a driver's training course and test tomorrow which I have yet to study for and must pass to drive in the UK. This has just been a horrible day.

First Sunday in the UK

Why is it that everyone I talk to hates it here at Lakenheath. I know that I cannot make my own opinion on what everyone else thinks. It makes me wonder though because when the majority of the people don't like it here. I just wonder if it's just a moral issue or if it is actually that this place is bad to it's people. I know part of it is because this base is always sending people different places. If it were only one or two people that say that they don't like it I would say that its them. But it's not like that at all instead the majority of the people I have talked to in random places and from random jobs say that they don't like it here it pretty much tells me that this place sucks. The one thing that I have noticed the most from what everyone is saying is that this is not a good place to bring or have a family especially if you are a family person like I am.
So we went to church today and it was alright. Normally I get a lot out of church services and I feel better after it's over. Not this time. I don't know if it because I have been so depressed that it's going to take a serious work of God for me to get out of this slump. After church we went to the BX. I find the BX very depressing because it reminds me of Korea and the BX is all we had there. So I see it as the same way right now. I don't know maybe after we get a car and settled in we will have the oppertunity to find something other than the BX. I just like my options and right now options are the last thing that we are getting.

Some thoughts

Things started out really well today. We all slept fairly well. Tori woke up only once and finally fell back to sleep after about two hours. Then this afternoon our sponsor came and took us to look at a few houses that caught our eye while we were at the housing office. So all in all things are getting a little better for me. I am kinda glad that I was able to talk Ashley out of living more than fifteen to twenty minutes from the base. I think that living that far from base would have been hard on us. Plus the less time I spend at work and in my car is more time that I can spend with my family. I am just a really big family person. Sometimes i don't feel that the Military likes people like me all that much. I tend to put family before all things before what the military wants. Yet another reason I think that it is time to get out. I guess that is why people say that if the military wants you to have a family they wold have issued you one. I used to tell everyone that TDY's are a break from your family but I think that i was wrong about that. I would much rather stay with them. I love seeing Tori everyday. She is such a daddy's girl and I think that it would crush her for me to leave for a long time. I just wish that I could find or knew where to look for a job on the outside that remotely compares to what we have now. I am by no means the brightest person but i can do whatever I am told to do. I guess part of my problem is that I don't really know what I want to do. I just wish that I could recieve a sign for which direction to go.

England

So i am just sitting here in TLF waiting for Victoria to actually get tired and want to go to sleep. This PCS has been so stressful on me. It makes me wish that i were back in the states already. I thought things would be better overseas but i think i might have spoken to soon. But it could be the same thing now. I could just be judging a book by its cover. I just have never broken down and actually cried from being so stressed and nervous. I just hope things get better really soon. All i have heard is that you never get to see your family because you are gone all the time. Which of course doesn't make my situation better. I just wish that things would go really smooth here. I just can't believe how stupid expensive it is here. I find it sad that people are spending five to eight thousand dollars of their own money because the military doesn't have enough housing for everyone. Not to mention that the houses are tiny. Bedrooms the size of a large closet. I find it hard to believe that a 4 bedroom house over here can be only 1000 square feet. I don't think that you could fit a bed in those rooms because they are so small. That and the shop for the most part has just sent me out on my own trying to find everyting to in-process. It just doesn't seem like they care that much. Not to mention that they are thinking about deploying me the first of the year. Which is only 3 months away. Plus they said it is possible that alot of people might be leaving on Christmas Eve. I honestly don't think that i would be able to handle all of these stresses so quickly and close together. I find it bad enough that i have PCSed four times since i have been in. By the time i git my seven or eight year mark there is a chance that i will PCS five times. I know people who haven't PCSed that many times in 20 years. What are they trying to put me through. I have been thinking about getting out of the military because of all the stresses and i don't want to leave my family anymore. I just don't know what i would do on the outside to provide for my familiy what i can now. But we will see how the next 3 years go maybe i can be pursuaded. Tori just fell asleep so it now my turn to put her in bed and go to sleep myself.

I Wish

Last night Ashley and I got in a big fight and we both ended up going to bed angry. Probably one of the worst things that you can do in a relationship. But as usual i was the one that started it. I can't figure out why i do this all the time. I think to a sense i feel like i am being cornered all the time so i want to retaliate to defend myself. It all started when Ashley asked me if i hate her. I can't stand it when she asks me shit like that. I just wish that i wasn't angry all the time. I don't even know what makes me angry. Sometimes i feel like we need to go to marriage counseling if we are going to make our marriage last. We have grown so far apart since i went to Korea. I feel like neither one of us are happy with where our relationship is. I wish that i could get her to have a little more drive to get things completed. If she would only put the effort that she puts into Guitar Hero as she does with everything she probably wouldn't be asking me if i think she is fat all the time, or maybe the house will actually stay clean, or even quit drinking regular soda and switch to diet for her diabetes. I me an every soda she drinks has over a hundred calories and when you go on a diet that allows you about 1400 calories that soda is going to be taking the place of your food. Especially when you have more than one. but if the soda is not replacing the food and you are still eating the same amount of food the the diet calls for then you are failing at the diet. I try to explain that to her but of course the soda it to important in her life. I just wish she wouldn't do it for herself and do it for our daughter. I want to live a healthy life so that i can live a long life for my daughter i just wish that she would do the same.

Why?

So today I went over to my dad’s for the second time in the last two days. I have been in Michigan for well over a week now and my dad has only called me once. Then when I was getting ready to leave he just broke down and started crying. I don’t see dad cry very often so it got to me too. It just bothers me to know that he waits until the very last second to realize that I am going away for a few years and I might not be able to see him for a long time. This is going to be the longest that my dad has ever gone without my seeing me. Every time I see him all I can think about is the song “Cats and the Cradle.” It just tells me that dad was never there for me and now that I am grown up he wants to spend all this time with me. But now I don’t have all the time in the world so it seems like I am doing the same thing to him that he always did to me. It sucks though because I work hard to be the best man and father that mine never was. Granted he has gotten a lot better since I was a kid but he has a lot way to go before he gets to the level that I am. I guess is all breaks down to the fact that he realizes that he wasn’t the best father in the world and now he is trying to make things up to me but it is a little to late for that now. It just sucks that I have to say goodbye to my family every time I come home knowing that I don’t know when I will see them again if ever.

I wish that I could tell my dad exactly what I feel when I feel it. It just seems that I have to sensor my thoughts with him, especially when it comes to my stepmom. She is just horrible. We went to Brocks little league game and she acted like that kind of person that would charge the mound or the umpire if something didn’t go just the way that she wanted it to. I find it sad that even eight and nine year olds can’t play baseball and have a good time without having a parent breathe down they’re throats all the time.

Realization

So i was reading all of Ashley's blogs and it amazes me sometimes that i don't realize how much she actually cares about me. I was reading her very first blog entry and i thought about how much we have been through since we met, Probably more than most couples have been through. It almost made me cry. I mean when we met alot of her family didn't care for me because of my religion. They never even gave me a fucking chance. It was a uphill battle for the first 6 months. It just shows how shallow people can be (to include myself). Sometimes i don't really feel like a member of that family. I just don't feel like i fit in! I just know i love my wife and daughter more than anything in the world. I just wish i could show them in more ways than what i do. Most of the time i feel like the only way i can show them that i care is by physical attention. I wish i could be that fun and funny dad but it just seems like i can't get over my damn ego. I also wish that i could show Ashley more emotional love instead of groping her all the time.